Foster Failure or Forever Foster
There is no failure when an animal finds a loving home.
This is not an excuse to adopt every cat you foster and fall for, but rather a reminder that it’s ok if it happens.
I fall in love with every foster and after 10 years, I’m still teary-eyed on adoption days. It’s a bittersweet feeling, to see an animal that you’ve given everything, go on to the next part of their journey. This is why we foster-to provide love and care where there was none. However, you can’t keep them all and everyone you do keep, prevents one from benefitting from your skills.
So how do you decide who stays? My spouse and I have a limit on foster spaces and a pet limit. We factored in our ability level, capacity for care, finances, major milestones, and exceptions to the limits-this is a mutual decision. My husband doesn’t “let” me do anything and vice versa. It’s also an ongoing conversation that is revisited anytime life throws us a curve ball. My life philosophy is that everyone deserves to feel safe, heard, and cared for by others; our partnership is founded on the understanding that we are in everything together and that neither of us should make concessions that damage that balance. Simply, we have reasonable expectations for each other and respect the other’s boundaries.
We have kept 5 fosters in 10 years: Farrokh Bulsara, Barbara Gordon, Jericho Druum, Buddgheera, and Ursula Majora; yes all of their names are ridiculous, lol. I won’t say each of them was an excellent decision and truthfully, keeping Ursula was not a mutual decision.
Farrokh was a fearful community kitten and my third foster, ever. I couldn’t say goodbye, made worse by going to visit him at the adoption center. The rescue I fostered for let me know that he was shut down and scared in a busy store environment, so Chris and I made the decision to adopt him. He is our most territorial cat, but is the most social with strangers. His trills, chirrups, and whistles rival his namesake’s range and he treats the world as his runway. Over the years, he’s had dental surgery to address gingivitis and receives pain medication to help his hips as he ages. His favorites are feathers, being brushed, and being told he’s handsome. #myfairyking
Barbara Gordon aka Bee is my best friend, familiar, and light of my life. At 4 weeks old, she was dumped on my porch overnight with her 5 siblings, Katana, Constantine, Helena, Starling, and Dinah. She holds a place in my heart with my childhood cat, Tami who passed at 14 from FELV complications and Neo, who we lost to an injection site sarcoma at 14. Babs stole my heart when she bit my nose after her first bath-a habit that she now uses when we sleep through her food alarm. She is my skittish, velcro kitty who knows more tricks than our dogs! Babs is due for a full mouth extraction in 2025 and is prescribed Bonqat for stressful events.
Jericho aka Jiji, is my husband’s cat. The two of them have a sickeningly sweet relationship which includes all night cuddles, a special blanket for him to sleep on, and specific instructions on how he likes or be carried. He was a scraggly, goofy, looking kitten who came to us as a solo kitten. Little did I know that Chris was sneaking in to the foster room everyday before work and spoiling Rico rotten. I won’t embarrass my spouse, but he totally cried when I told him he was staying. Jericho has IBS and food allergies, neither of which keep him from zooming at top speeds every morning.
Buddgheera aka Budd is my treasure and he has his own blog post because he has so many quirks. Budd was a fearful colony kitten that picked me as his person. Typically once a hissy kitten is demanding attention, I send them to a new foster home where they can continue to learn life skills and socialize. Budd was having none of this part of his journey and turned into a hissing, spitting blender of doom with 4 different and very experienced foster families. My options were to put him back in the colony or to continue trying to help him thrive with others. After 3 months of him being back with us, we agreed that he was home. After 5 years, I am still the ONLY acceptable human being in his world. He will take treats from regular visitors, but I’m the only person he asks to pick him up, give him kisses, or who can easily handle him. We suspect he may have a mild form of cerebellar hypoplasia or another neurological condition-but since he has a happy home and excellent quality of life, we aren’t in a hurry to get a firm answer.
Ursula is a sock-stealing goblin that we didn’t have a productive conversation about-I decided she was staying because I saved her from death’s door multiple times. She was a 5 week old, 8 oz kitten who was caked in diarrhea and starving. She needed fluids, a dedicated diet to restore her gut health, patience, and a lot of antibiotics. She is, however, a single kitten who I relied on my adult cats to socialize while I worked. We also took her in shortly before my uncle passed away and between the grief and my investment in her-she stayed. She was on her way to being a cat I take to events with me, however, a painful and broken baby canine and bladder stones delayed her training and have left her wary of changes. She travels well, but her health early on put her at higher risk for stress related conditions.
Yes, we have dogs too-but don’t ask me what they’re thinking, I couldn’t tell you. We have two, dainty, “house Pyrenees” who enjoy a warm bed, treats, and keep our home and cats safe. Pyrenees are livestock guardian dogs who are purposefully bred to protect sheep and goats. Their gentle nature, instinctive nurturing behaviors, and intelligence makes them wonderful family dogs.
It is possible to have a full home and fosters at the same time-pet guardians make the BEST foster parents. If you decide to keep a foster, I recommend asking yourself these questions a few times before you commit:
Will keeping this cat prevent me from volunteering or fostering? Is that important to me?
Am I the BEST home for this foster based on my current obligations?
Is my household in agreement?
Finally, be cautious and ask yourself:
Am I worried that they won’t get adopted because I’ve had them for an extended period of time?
Will they get along with our household as adults?
Do I have enough space, time, and security?
Would I adopt to myself?
It is ok to fall in love with your fosters, it’s a key part of the job. If you’re on the fence about whether you should keep someone, ask yourself the hard questions and go through the worst case scenarios so that you’re prepared. Most importantly, if you can say you made good, ethical decision-don’t let others ruin your joy. Don’t shame others for holding on, because you never know when it will happen to you.
